Wednesday, June 18, 2014

The hardest battle of my life...

I am truly in the midst of the hardest battle of my life and these words are the best way to describe exactly what I am dealing with...

'What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. 
So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary. 
But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, 
and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, 
I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. 
I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. 
I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. 
Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?
The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. 
He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.
Romans 7: 15-25 MSG

When I read this the other day I was blown away.  I was just telling my friend a few weeks ago that my issue is over and over again the same - I know what I need to do to lose weight and get healthy.  I know what food I should and shouldn't eat, I know how bad for you certain things are, I know what I need to do.. I make awesome plans, I write it out, I make goals and do great for a few days... then wham its exactly as it says here... I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

I have been devising a plan of attack for my health and am just trying to take it one day at a time and trying to not get overwhelmed with the big picture. I am following lots of inspiring people who have done what I have set out to do and after my crazy ride in an ambulance (see last post) I have a new outlook and a fresh perspective realizing that in the midst of the craziness taking time to take care of me is critical! 

The Solution Is Life on God’s Terms
Romans 8 MSG

1-2 With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ’s being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death.3-4 God went for the jugular when he sent his own Son. He didn’t deal with the problem as something remote and unimportant. In his Son, Jesus, he personally took on the human condition, entered the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all. The law code, weakened as it always was by fractured human nature, could never have done that.The law always ended up being used as a Band-Aid on sin instead of a deep healing of it. And now what the law code asked for but we couldn’t deliver is accomplished as we, instead of redoubling our own efforts, simply embrace what the Spirit is doing in us.5-8Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God’s action in them find that God’s Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! 

Taking time to meditate on these words and get them deep... He is my solution and answer and helper if I just slow down and let Him be!  

Thursday, May 22, 2014

My Ambulance Ride... More than a wake up call

While at church last weekend I was in the bathroom and snapped a few quick selfies in the full length mirror and sent them to myself in an email entitled 'Wake Up Call', then quickly deleted the pics from my phone. They were scary to say the least... I am generally addicted to stepping on the scale daily but haven't for weeks because I am literally scared of what it may say.

Weight loss is crazy cycle and for me the past 2.5 years have just been up and down and up and down and currently up up up...  My hubs is just finishing up a military training school that kept him away for 2 whole months. We live almost 3 hours from anyone we know and the past 2 months have been insane.  I'm always mom 24/7 but being mom 24/7 with no help and no breaks is beyond draining.  

This week the kids and I have been in the city with family so I could help a friend out at her work.. I had 2 beautiful, quiet relaxing days of sitting in a massage spa manning the front desk.  Kinda like a mini vaca away from the kiddos as they had fun with Mimi and Papa I just enjoyed the quiet and not being tugged on for 2 full days!  Don't get me wrong my the middle of the 2nd day I was seriously missing my kids and so very thankful that I get to stay home with them daily.

Heres my view for my 2 working vaca days.. 

Now on to my ambulance ride...

At the end of my 2nd work day I got to my moms around 6pm and was having really weird left arm pain that over the next hour progressed to the point of such bad pain I was in tears!  I took ibuprofen and a hot bath and it didn't help!  I started having chills and then when I was talking to a friend on the phone all the sudden I couldn't breathe!  I was freezing, nauseous, tingly and couldn't breathe for anything!  My dad called 911 and my mom swooped the kids off for an adventure so they weren't scared! I laid on the couch shivering and couldn't catch a breath for anything and I could hear the ambulance in the distance and it seemed to be taking forever!  I remember praying Jesus don't let me die, please please please don't let me die!  I was sure I was having a heart attack...

Flash back to my hot bath... I was texting a friend about this random horrible left arm pain and telling her how mad I was! Mad that I am so overweight and out of shape that I have to worry that at 34 I am having a stinking heart attack!  

Surrounded by at least 5 EMT's who kept telling me to just calm down and breathe was more frustrating than anything.. I literally didn't feel like I could catch my breath for anything.  My blood pressure was 170/105 my pulse was in the 140s and my breaths per minute was crazy high but my oxygen was at 99%.  They wheeled me out telling me to breathe deep and I just couldn't finally after what seemed like an eternity I was able to start to take deep breaths in through the nose out through the mouth... over and over they kept saying this... They told me I was having a panic attack.  I have never had a panic attack EVER!  They were asking what was stressing me was I anxious etc... and I kept saying I just had the easiest day of my life! 

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me take a deep breath in, hold it exhale... I would have enough money to pay for that ambulance ride!  

By the time we got to the hospital I was breathing okay, my pain had subsided as had most of the other symptoms except I was nauseous and shivering! My dad apparently had a nice talk with the EMT about how 'stressed' I am.. his view is Im a mom to a 4,3 & 2 year old who is 3 hours away  from family and from my hubs!  The doc said that though it is normal to me and in the midst of toddler chaos would be when you'd normally think I'd be panicking, I really don't have time to while in the midst of my normal chaos and the down time brought it on.  While waiting for the EKG results I had another mini panic attack and they ended up bringing me something to help calm me.  Ekg was clear, thank God, and they released me with a RX for some pills to have on hand in case I had another attack or felt one coming on and had to leave in booties because I had no shoes!  Oh yea and I also had no bra and jammies on and had mascara smeared all over my face and I'm quite sure the EKG guy had way to much boob views for my comfort!

Today I have been okay but just beyond tired.  Likely I got freaked out about the possibility of a heart attack that I just went into a full blown panic attack.  It was absolutely the scariest thing. Will be going to the doc for some more answers on the arm pain but all of this is just a serious wake up call! Much more than any picture could do!  

I havn't blogged in forever because I literally feel like I have nothing to say.  Every mom is tired, every mom goes through crazy days with her babies, my weight loss strategies have been shot to crap with my hubs gone and I really needed this shaking to say wake up and stop being stupid and take care of me!  I spend so much time taking care of everyone else I am on the back burner! But I am done with feeling this way!  I am done with being so uncomfortable about this weight gain that I hide from every thing and every one!  I am done with the feeling of needing to hide from every picture because I am absolutely ashamed of what I have become.  I am done squishing into chairs and I am done with a million other horrible side effects of being overweight! 

I feel like the past 2 months I have done great getting reacquainted with Jesus and quiet time and making time to feed my spirit and now its time to truly focus and use the tools and wisdom I already have and change my life this time! I have found some great online Community through Instagram, Hello Mornings and Thrive Moms and now that I have had a serious scare its time to take my whole life to a new level of determination.

You can find me on Instagram ALL THE TIME and I promise to start trying to blog much more consistently through my journey!  Its real, its raw and its gonna happen! 

Friday, March 21, 2014

She Shares Truth - Running from the truth

I am loving the Lent Study from She Reads Truth and excited to take part in this week "She Shares Truth" study of Jonah 1-2

Approaching Lent I had never taken part, I always thought it was just for Catholics.  But as I began to dig in and find out more I realized I wanted to participate in Lent this year: Tomorrow I will be sharing more about what we are doing as a family for Lent and what Lent means to me. But for now on to sharing the truth I found in Jonah 1 & 2.  For me this story isn't about going somewhere as much as it is about doing something.

I was raised in church so the 'story' of Jonah has been heard many, many, many times! But in all honesty I have never actually just read it and dug in before.  On day 1 of the Jonah study on it started to unfold to me in a new way.  This week I have read it in every version I could think of to explore deeper meaning and truth and wow...  This quote from day 1 really got my spirit moving.. "...desperately aware of the vastness of his sin; and is pulled, quite literally, from the dark depths of his self-made misery by a merciful God"

Right now I am stuck in the never ending roller coaster of health and weight loss...  I've prayed about this struggle, I've asked for help and I've felt Gods pulling in the right direction and ordering the steps to freedom, He has clearly showed me the steps to take yet some how I blatenly ignore His wisdom and continue to 'wallow in the depths of my self made misery'

I know I need and want to lose weight and to get healthy and even have a doctor ordered diet, that I have trouble sticking to.  Here I sit, the heaviest I have been since my last pregnancy, in the comfort of food addiction and laziness that keep me stuck and circling the same mountain again and again and again...Its as if I have heard God say "get up and do this and be free" but instead I jump ship and run the complete opposite way.  When I have a day of utter defeat I tend to go overboard and do the complete opposite of what I need to do!

So here I am, on the brink of something great, with a choice to follow Gods desires for my life for health and wholeness or live in constant misery. God has called me to be more than overweight and unhealthy and stuck in the same battle.  He relentlessly peruses me and shows me ways out and I've reached the point where I need to throw myself into depths of his grace and mercy and allow him to guide each step and follow His plan.

His plan for each person is different and though it may seem somewhat silly to focus this amazing story of redemption and grace to something like weight loss, it is what it is for me and as I read these chapters its what rung clear in my mind. It has been my greatest struggle and it's beyond time to stop running and repent and cast aside the laziness and just do go where He is leading me in this journey!

Jonah 2:1-9Then Jonah prayed to his God from the belly of the fish.
He prayed:
“In trouble, deep trouble, I prayed to God.
He answered me.
From the belly of the grave I cried, ‘Help!’
You heard my cry.
You threw me into ocean’s depths,
into a watery grave,
With ocean waves, ocean breakers
crashing over me.
I said, ‘I’ve been thrown away,
thrown out, out of your sight.
I’ll never again lay eyes
on your Holy Temple.’
Ocean gripped me by the throat.
The ancient Abyss grabbed me and held tight.
My head was all tangled in seaweed
at the bottom of the sea where the mountains take root.
I was as far down as a body can go,
and the gates were slamming shut behind me forever—
Yet you pulled me up from that grave alive,
God, my God!
When my life was slipping away,
I remembered God,
And my prayer got through to you,
made it all the way to your Holy Temple.
Those who worship hollow gods, god-frauds,
walk away from their only true love.
But I’m worshiping you, God,
calling out in thanksgiving!
And I’ll do what I promised I’d do!
Salvation belongs to God!”

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Thursday, March 20, 2014

Paleo & Clean Chicken & Creamy Tomato Crock Pot Soup

While browsing Pinterest for easy crock pot recipes I came across this one from River North Paleo Girl
I modifed it a little and came up with this ridiculously yummy chicken and creamy tomato soup.  If you know anything about me you know I hate chicken in soups it totally grouses me out but I really liked this and was pleasantly surprised.  I am always game for anything easy and being able to just dump all in the crock pot with no prep or anything was perfect!

Chicken & Creamy Tomato Crock Pot Soup - Paleo & Clean
1 can coconut milk
2 can diced toms with juice
1 cup chicken broth
1 can Tom paste
2 big frozen chicken breasts
2 tbs basil
1 tbs garlic salt
1 tbs Italian seasoning
I added carrots and onions too
Next time I will add mushrooms

Throw everything in the crock pot - chicken doesn't even need to be defrosted! Cooked on low all day
Then about an hour before dinner time I took chicken out and shredded with 2 forks and put it back in so it could continue to simmer in the yumminess!