Friday, August 8, 2014

Finding Joy in the messy moments of motherhood!

Weight loss is a huge part of my life and this blog, but lets face it... I have 3 kids ages 2-4 and so my life is more about motherhood than anything else! We have some crazy redonk moments that I love to share because lets face it, we need a laugh now and then and 99% of moms prob relate to what I'm about to share!

Jax is 2.5 and he is not potty trained yet, he sometimes uses the potty and sometimes doesn't!  I get grief all the time because I haven't potty trained him yet, Benjamin and Cloee were potty trained by this age etc.. well he's my baby and he's just not totally there yet and I'm okay with pull ups for now!

Today he had some successes but he also dunked his hair in the toilet after he peed in it, he dipped undies in the pee pee water, he dipped a pull up in pee pee water and carried it all the way down the hall and to the kitchen where I was! Need I go on? ha

Benjamin saying "Jax lets play a game called who can smell my stinky boot the longest" 

Yesterday while attempting to blog he comes in and says MOMMY I POOOPED! I got up to get a new pull up and find the wipes and turned around to hear the 3 words that no mom wants to hear... 


His finger was covered in poop! I don't know if he actually attempted to eat it or now but ewww sick!  I quickly cleaned him up, washed his hands, got on a new pull up and of course did what I normally do when life gives me these moments... I post it on Facebook!  

Yeah probably over sharing for the FB setting but ....

In case you haven't figured out by now... motherhood is messy! Its beautiful and chaotic and some days a little awful but always beautiful!. 
I choose to find humor in the moments where my kid eats poop or pees on the floor, yet again, or eats a rollie pollie or even the ones where the biggest innocently whacks his siblings on the head with a toy hammer... Real people have those days, you know those kind of days where everything goes wrong, everyone is fighting, the kids are crying for no reason, those days you are praying that you last till bed time...

Benjamin picked out everyones outfits and said its red ninja day!

Motherhood isn't always a beautiful photo-shopped image of perfect children sitting politely and saying yes mam on que but it often is a HUGE pile of laundry taking over your living room or the mountain of dishes piled in the sink, or tripping over toys to get down the hall and pizza and cheetos for dinner, again! While not everyone can appreciate a good poop story, I find joy in 'over sharing' the craziness of this beautiful life that God gave me!

Choose to find joy in the moments that God gives you! The beautiful ones and the ugly ones, the ones where life gives you roses and especially in the ones where your kid has a massive blow out in the middle of a restaurant! Choose not to try to create unneeded drama instead just laugh off the moments you deem as inappropriate and know that in following me or being my 'friend' my disclosure is I am the Queen of Over sharing and I am totally okay with that!

Thursday, August 7, 2014

How to lose 10 lbs in 10 minutes!


-I have been on a blogging hiatus for the simple fact that I have felt like a failure - weight loss is hard!

-It is continual falling down and often forgetting to get back up again! 

-It's been trying extreme things with great intentions and passion, going strong for 3 days then going on a huge binge to make up for the 3 days of torture!

-In the past 2 years I have done more gaining than losing! 

-I am tired of being tired, sick, unhealthy and fat! 

At the end of May I had a huge health scare and had some grandiose thoughts of needing change and in turn all I really did was give up soda.  When I went back to the doc in July I had gained 8 lbs! WHAT! What it really comes down to is I don't think I eat that much but the truth of it is the things I was eating were huge in calories!  I gave up soda and in turn took up sweet tea!  When I saw that dreaded number on the scale in July I kinda freaked out!  It was as much as I weighed when I went into the hospital to have Jaxsen!  How is it possible that I weigh as much as I did when I was 9 months preggo with a huge baby?! EEEEEK!  Well I can tell you how - a few healthy eating days followed by pizza, ice cream, chips & fast food!  I'd buy great groceries with great intentions and after a long day of my 3 littles being kinda crazy I didn't 'feel' like cooking so we'd order pizza! Chinese! Taco Bell! 

Feeling defeated, hopeless and utterly depressed by the fact that originally I wanted to lose around 100 lbs and now in reality I needed to lose more like 125!! 

Then I read this quote...

I often let myself get derailed by things I can't control. But when I read this quote something clicked in me... It has nothing to do with anyone else! My journey is mine and it really is about me and keeping promises to myself!  I have this quote everywhere and in my heart and when I am tempted to just go awol again I really just focus on this quote and the fact that I truly can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!

Have I slipped up? YES! In fact I ate a few cheese puffs this morning! But the difference is I ate 3 instead of the entire bag, I didn't try to hide it and keep it a secret, I actually added to my fitness pal (where my diary is open) bensgirl322 if you want to follow along! 

It's been almost 2 weeks of being back at it and there have been a few moments I regret but overall I am staying within my calorie goals and I am moving more every day and I am down 10 lbs!  Right now my goal is to at least walk 2 miles a day and most days I have succeeded! Two miles may not seem like much but when you are HUGE and out of shape 2 miles is a stretch!  I may only be walking 3mph right now but I AM lapping everyone sitting on the couch! There have been many days that I have gotten my miles in by walking laps around my back yard while the kids play! It takes aprox 50 laps to make a mile but I am kinda in the NO EXCUSES point of this journey.  What matters is trying again and again and again and for the first time in a long time keeping promises to myself. 

The journey is long and hard and continual!  It happens 1 day at a time, 1 choice at a time and 1 step in the right direction....

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

The hardest battle of my life...

I am truly in the midst of the hardest battle of my life and these words are the best way to describe exactly what I am dealing with...

'What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. 
So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary. 
But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, 
and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, 
I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. 
I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. 
I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. 
Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?
The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. 
He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.
Romans 7: 15-25 MSG

When I read this the other day I was blown away.  I was just telling my friend a few weeks ago that my issue is over and over again the same - I know what I need to do to lose weight and get healthy.  I know what food I should and shouldn't eat, I know how bad for you certain things are, I know what I need to do.. I make awesome plans, I write it out, I make goals and do great for a few days... then wham its exactly as it says here... I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

I have been devising a plan of attack for my health and am just trying to take it one day at a time and trying to not get overwhelmed with the big picture. I am following lots of inspiring people who have done what I have set out to do and after my crazy ride in an ambulance (see last post) I have a new outlook and a fresh perspective realizing that in the midst of the craziness taking time to take care of me is critical! 

The Solution Is Life on God’s Terms
Romans 8 MSG

1-2 With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ’s being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death.3-4 God went for the jugular when he sent his own Son. He didn’t deal with the problem as something remote and unimportant. In his Son, Jesus, he personally took on the human condition, entered the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all. The law code, weakened as it always was by fractured human nature, could never have done that.The law always ended up being used as a Band-Aid on sin instead of a deep healing of it. And now what the law code asked for but we couldn’t deliver is accomplished as we, instead of redoubling our own efforts, simply embrace what the Spirit is doing in us.5-8Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God’s action in them find that God’s Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! 

Taking time to meditate on these words and get them deep... He is my solution and answer and helper if I just slow down and let Him be!  

Thursday, May 22, 2014

My Ambulance Ride... More than a wake up call

While at church last weekend I was in the bathroom and snapped a few quick selfies in the full length mirror and sent them to myself in an email entitled 'Wake Up Call', then quickly deleted the pics from my phone. They were scary to say the least... I am generally addicted to stepping on the scale daily but haven't for weeks because I am literally scared of what it may say.

Weight loss is crazy cycle and for me the past 2.5 years have just been up and down and up and down and currently up up up...  My hubs is just finishing up a military training school that kept him away for 2 whole months. We live almost 3 hours from anyone we know and the past 2 months have been insane.  I'm always mom 24/7 but being mom 24/7 with no help and no breaks is beyond draining.  

This week the kids and I have been in the city with family so I could help a friend out at her work.. I had 2 beautiful, quiet relaxing days of sitting in a massage spa manning the front desk.  Kinda like a mini vaca away from the kiddos as they had fun with Mimi and Papa I just enjoyed the quiet and not being tugged on for 2 full days!  Don't get me wrong my the middle of the 2nd day I was seriously missing my kids and so very thankful that I get to stay home with them daily.

Heres my view for my 2 working vaca days.. 

Now on to my ambulance ride...

At the end of my 2nd work day I got to my moms around 6pm and was having really weird left arm pain that over the next hour progressed to the point of such bad pain I was in tears!  I took ibuprofen and a hot bath and it didn't help!  I started having chills and then when I was talking to a friend on the phone all the sudden I couldn't breathe!  I was freezing, nauseous, tingly and couldn't breathe for anything!  My dad called 911 and my mom swooped the kids off for an adventure so they weren't scared! I laid on the couch shivering and couldn't catch a breath for anything and I could hear the ambulance in the distance and it seemed to be taking forever!  I remember praying Jesus don't let me die, please please please don't let me die!  I was sure I was having a heart attack...

Flash back to my hot bath... I was texting a friend about this random horrible left arm pain and telling her how mad I was! Mad that I am so overweight and out of shape that I have to worry that at 34 I am having a stinking heart attack!  

Surrounded by at least 5 EMT's who kept telling me to just calm down and breathe was more frustrating than anything.. I literally didn't feel like I could catch my breath for anything.  My blood pressure was 170/105 my pulse was in the 140s and my breaths per minute was crazy high but my oxygen was at 99%.  They wheeled me out telling me to breathe deep and I just couldn't finally after what seemed like an eternity I was able to start to take deep breaths in through the nose out through the mouth... over and over they kept saying this... They told me I was having a panic attack.  I have never had a panic attack EVER!  They were asking what was stressing me was I anxious etc... and I kept saying I just had the easiest day of my life! 

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me take a deep breath in, hold it exhale... I would have enough money to pay for that ambulance ride!  

By the time we got to the hospital I was breathing okay, my pain had subsided as had most of the other symptoms except I was nauseous and shivering! My dad apparently had a nice talk with the EMT about how 'stressed' I am.. his view is Im a mom to a 4,3 & 2 year old who is 3 hours away  from family and from my hubs!  The doc said that though it is normal to me and in the midst of toddler chaos would be when you'd normally think I'd be panicking, I really don't have time to while in the midst of my normal chaos and the down time brought it on.  While waiting for the EKG results I had another mini panic attack and they ended up bringing me something to help calm me.  Ekg was clear, thank God, and they released me with a RX for some pills to have on hand in case I had another attack or felt one coming on and had to leave in booties because I had no shoes!  Oh yea and I also had no bra and jammies on and had mascara smeared all over my face and I'm quite sure the EKG guy had way to much boob views for my comfort!

Today I have been okay but just beyond tired.  Likely I got freaked out about the possibility of a heart attack that I just went into a full blown panic attack.  It was absolutely the scariest thing. Will be going to the doc for some more answers on the arm pain but all of this is just a serious wake up call! Much more than any picture could do!  

I havn't blogged in forever because I literally feel like I have nothing to say.  Every mom is tired, every mom goes through crazy days with her babies, my weight loss strategies have been shot to crap with my hubs gone and I really needed this shaking to say wake up and stop being stupid and take care of me!  I spend so much time taking care of everyone else I am on the back burner! But I am done with feeling this way!  I am done with being so uncomfortable about this weight gain that I hide from every thing and every one!  I am done with the feeling of needing to hide from every picture because I am absolutely ashamed of what I have become.  I am done squishing into chairs and I am done with a million other horrible side effects of being overweight! 

I feel like the past 2 months I have done great getting reacquainted with Jesus and quiet time and making time to feed my spirit and now its time to truly focus and use the tools and wisdom I already have and change my life this time! I have found some great online Community through Instagram, Hello Mornings and Thrive Moms and now that I have had a serious scare its time to take my whole life to a new level of determination.

You can find me on Instagram ALL THE TIME and I promise to start trying to blog much more consistently through my journey!  Its real, its raw and its gonna happen!